


No Going Back

by sweetie_pie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Sam, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub Undertones, Fluffy Ending, M/M, Overstimulation, Pet Names, Possessive Behavior, Praise Kink, Stanford Era, Teasing, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 04:03:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10481658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetie_pie/pseuds/sweetie_pie
Summary: Sam isn't as happy in Stanford as he had thought. Something is missing. When Dean comes barging in furious and perfect, Sam gets another chance to choose and this time it will be for good.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> I hope you enjoy and please let me know if I should tag anything else. 
> 
> With love, sweetie-pie <3

He found himself sitting on a park bench, far away from the busy life on campus and enjoying the soothing silence covering his ears and flowing thickly all around him. The only thing audible, apart from the quiet groaning of the trees surrounding him, was the chirping of the bugs. It was a hot, hazy afternoon in California and Sam was on his lunch break. He didn’t mind his early classes quite that much, but dreaded the ones in the afternoon, especially now that it was summer and the heat was blazing. Right now though a cool breeze lessened his ache and for once he let himself relax and enjoy the quiet. The quiet, as tempting as it was, was dangerous. It gave Sam time to think about certain things and mostly about a certain someone.

Beautiful, green eyes, an infectious smile and a smartass attitude, those were probably the three attributes he would use to describe _him_. The emotions he was feeling, while thinking about _him_ , were a little harder to determine. There was anger; red, hot rage, that coursed through him, because _he_ hadn’t called him back, not even once, even if he had left _him_ hundreds of messages. His first year here had been tough and even if he knew that _he_ was angry at him, Sam had hoped to hear from _him_ every now and again, just to know that _he_ was safe. Then there was guilt, settled so deep in his bones that most days Sam thought it would never go away. Guilt, because Sam had left. He didn’t feel guilty for going to College per se or for going after his dream of a normal life, but for leaving _him_ behind. Logically Sam knew that he never could have gotten _him_ to come with him and leave their old life behind, but his heart told him that he should have at least tried.

Love was another of these emotions, so big and powerful that it cancelled out all the others easily. He loved _him_ with everything he got. He loved _him_ , though he was cocky, pig-headed and a drinking, gambling ladies magnet. He loved _him_ , because _he_ was kind hearted, had the most ridiculous sense of humor, but made him laugh nevertheless and because, under all the cocky attitude and all the grime and blood, _he_ was fiercely loyal and if _he_ gave you _his_ heart it was for good.

The last emotion though was the one bigger and fiercer and more painful than all the rest: Longing. Sam longed for _him_ with a painful intensity that sometimes took his breath away. He longed to see _his_ eyes crinkle on the edges, he longed to hear _his_ deep chuckle, he longed for the smell of leather on _him_ , he longed for the way _he_ said his name, the way only _he_ could manage to make everything better by just _his_ presence, the way _he_ hugged him so tightly as if _he_ never wanted to let him go, he longed for _his_ loud, annoying music, _his_ greasy food and _his_ smartass remarks. He just ached and longed for _him_ , beyond anything that was normal or healthy. But their relationship always had been like this: Too tangled up, too dependent of each other, too close for being normal or healthy. Neither of them had cared, because they were all they got and letting go just wasn’t an option.

Now though things were different. Sam **had** let go and now he was sitting on this park bench in the middle of nowhere in California and didn’t even have a clue where the guy he was thinking about so intently even was. _He_ could be anywhere, doing anything, the beauty and curse of _his_ lifestyle. Maybe _he_ was at a bar with a girl, or in a motel with a girl, or at her place with a girl. Yeah, he almost forgot; jealousy was also among his mixed emotions. After Sam had left, why wouldn’t _he_ go back to the way _he_ had lived before? Yeah, before **what** exactly? Before they had been in a relationship? Was it even possible to call it that? It had been a year, almost exactly to the day. It had been a great year, maybe the best Sam ever had. Of course at the beginning it had been awkward, but once they got over that, it was everything that Sam had hoped it would be. They had been close before, but in that year they had redefined that word completely. Sam had never felt so safe, so connected, so in love with someone and the naive part of him had thought it would stay this way forever.

The rational part of him knew though that it couldn’t last, not because he didn’t want it to, but because, when the time would come, _he_ would never chose to go with Sam. And when the day came, everything went exactly as he thought it would. There was screaming, there were accusations, there was dead silence and then he left. Leaving _him_ behind had been like amputating an arm with a pocket knife. It was a slow, unbearable kind of pain that left him with a gaping, open wound that would never fully heal or scar prettily. How it had been for _him_ , Sam didn’t know. It was his father, who had screamed and accused. _He_ on the other end had remained dead silent. The flash of bone deep hurt Sam had seen in _his_ eyes was the only indication that it touched _him_ too. They never said the words, but Sam knew the exact moment when they broke up. His father had told him to never come back and he had opened the door. Before he had walked through, he had briefly glanced back at _him_ , not at his father, but at _him_ and there it was, so plain and simple in _his_ eyes: ‘If you leave now that thing between us is over.’ And Sam had walked through the door and left _him_ anyways.

How? He didn’t know anymore, because the betrayal he had seen in _his_ eyes still made him wince. Sam knew he had betrayed _him_ , knew that he had acted unfairly. He had known that he wanted to go to Stanford long before he actually had made plans to do so. He should have told _him_ the second he knew, but he didn’t, because he simply couldn’t. Every time he had thought about telling _him_ , his heart had clenched painfully and the reality had settled in his stomach. He would really do this; he would really leave _him_ behind. When that happened he had tried to ease the excruciating pain the only way he had known how. He had went up to _him_ and hugged _him_ so tightly that neither of them had been able to breathe or had kissed _him_ with every fiber of his being, until they were both breathless and flushed. It wasn’t fair and Sam knew that, but he couldn’t say the words, they just wouldn’t come out. Because how could he possibly put it that it wouldn’t sound like he didn’t care enough about _him_ to stay? _He_ wouldn’t understand and the last thing that Sam had wanted was to hurt _him_. Ironic, since that was exactly what he had ended up doing.

He hadn’t allowed himself to cry, not when he shut the motel room door behind himself, not on the way to the bus stop and also not all the way to California. Once he had arrived in his dorm room though, late at night, strung out and wrecked, he had climbed into bed immediately, buried his head in the pillow and cried his eyes out. The pain he was feeling all alone in this empty dorm room had been so big that the sobs hadn’t let him breathe and his insides had cramped. The first few days of College Sam barely remembered. He had been walking around like a zombie, taking classes and making friends without even noticing, but the nights were the worst. The silence let him think, the darkness let him feel and more nights than not he was crying himself to sleep with _his_ image firmly edged into his brain.

The pain had subsided, not comfortably one day at a time, since some days had been easy and others had been unmanageably hard, and definitively not fully. The pain was still there, lurking in the back of his head and ready to attack at any given moment to let all the emotions crash down on him. So Sam kept it hidden, locked down firmly and hoped that one day he would forget where the key was. For now though he still knew exactly where it was and that got him almost absentmindedly taking out his phone and scrolling through his contacts. There it was, there _he_ was. He hadn’t called _him_ in a while, not knowing what to say, since _he_ never called him back, not knowing whether calling made it easier on _him_ or harder and not knowing if _he_ even listened to his messages. The name flashed brightly on the screen and even its four little letters were painful. He probably should put his phone away and not call _him_ , not now, when he was completely emotionally wound up, but that wasn’t what he did, that wasn’t what he did at all.

‘You reached Dean’s other other cell. You know what to do.’ “Dean”, Sam just breathed. “Hi… it’s me… Sam. It’s Sam. Just wanted to check in with you. I’m fine and yeah… school is fine too…”, he paused and suddenly didn’t know what to say. “Yeah, that’s it. Just wanted to know how you’re doing, that’s all”, he concluded in half truth. Then a sudden urge overcame him to tell the truth, to tell Dean exactly how he was feeling and before he could stop himself, he said: “I… I miss you, Dean. I know you hate me and all and trust me, I understand, but I just wanted you to know that. I never meant to end it like I did and even if you probably don’t want to hear any of this… Our year meant everything to me, it still does and I don’t regret anything we did. You were **never** the reason why I left and I’m sorry should I not have made that clear.” Sam sighed deeply. “I wish things were different and you were here. I miss just talking to you above all the rest. I hope you’re okay…” On the last sentence Sam’s voice got tight as fear raced through him. “Cause even if you don’t care anymore… I… I still love you, Dean.” Sam cursed himself inwardly for how broken his voice sounded, when he said that and for saying it at all. “Okay…Well, take care, Dean”, Sam finished awkwardly and snapped his phone shut.

What the hell had he been thinking calling his brother like that? Was he crazy? His chances that Dean would ever call him back now just basically vanished. Why hadn’t he just kept his mouth shut? Dean didn’t want to know what he was feeling. In fact, Dean didn’t want to hear from him at all, that he made very clear by not answering any of Sam’s calls. Sam had understood, had been willing to give Dean as much time and space as he needed, but the selfish part of him had always hoped that one day Dean would want to talk to him again. Now he just fucked everything up even more. “Great. Just fucking perfect”, he cursed silently and briefly covered his eyes with his hands. The silence was not comforting anymore, it felt rather deafening and Sam just felt drained. Telling Dean the truth had felt like stripping his soul bare and now he was just empty. A glance to his watch told him that he should be hurrying to his Roman law class now and after he took a deep breath, he did just that.

He couldn’t change what he had done, he couldn’t change what he had told Dean, the only thing he could do was to go to his class and burry everything else so deep inside himself that he could make it through the day. Sam muted his phone, sat down next to some familiar faces and focused on the professor. Even if the class was interesting and he ended up taking a shitload of notes, he had no idea what the class had been about at the end of it. He excused himself from the ever-chatting round of his friends and went straight home. Now that he was in his third semester, he didn’t live in the dorm anymore, but had a nice, little apartment a few blocks from campus. He walked home quickly, wanting to be alone as fast as possible and when he entered his apartment and the door fell shut behind him, he breathed a sigh of relief.

He spent the rest of the day distracting himself with homework, studying and watching terrible TV, just anything that would prevent his mind to wander. As evening approached, Sam sighed and switched off the TV. He stood up and decided to order himself some dinner. Pizza or something else quick and greasy. He grabbed his phone, which still lay next to his books, where he had left it, and realized he hadn’t turned it back on after class. Quickly he did so and a sharp ringing sound declared that he had gotten a message. He opened it and found out that it was a voice message. Impatiently he followed the steps until finally he pressed the phone to his ear to find out who had called him. Immediately after the message started there was loud yelling straight to his ear and after his brain recognized the voice, his whole body went stock still.

“Who the hell do you think you are?! I’m asking you, Sam?! Seriously, calling me like that, saying all these things… What did you think would happen, huh?! Did you think I would jump for joy?! Yeah, you miss me?! What am I supposed to do with that?! You left, after… after everything! You closed that door behind you, not me! You didn’t even trust me enough to tell me you were going to go to College and now you tell me you miss me?! Great, Sam, that’s just great. It’s been a fucking year since I last saw you, so of course I missed you! But what does that matter now?! -Dean laughed bitterly- You want to know how I am doing?! I’m great… just awesome, Sam. My brother left my ass behind without even blinking and apparently I am the biggest Idiot on the planet, because I thought I meant more to him than that. Imagine that... -Sam’s heart clenched- Don’t say that the year meant everything to you! Don’t. You. Dare! It meant nothing, absolutely nothing to you! You pleaded and crawled on your knees for me to make the biggest mistake of my life and when you got what you wanted, you just vanished, without even saying goodbye. So don’t you dare lie about that! -Sam winced-

You’re damn right I don’t want to hear any of this, Sam! It’s useless to me now! Why didn’t you have the balls to tell me that back then or anytime sooner in this fucking year, if it is so damn important to you?! -The guilt washed over Sam and he choked on it- You don’t regret any of it?! Well, you weren’t the one getting left behind, so yeah, that figures. I bet it was a pretty sweet deal for you too. You got what you wanted out of it and didn’t have to care about the rest. -Sam’s eyes began to sting- I wasn’t the reason why you left?! Well look at that! Once again something that would have been helpful to know a **fucking year ago!** Did you ever just for one second think about me in this scenario?! Did you?! -The first tear dropped out of Sam’s eyes- No, of course you didn’t! You were too busy planning to leave your sad excuse of a family! Don’t you think that after you just left, I felt like the foulest, most horrible asshole in the world, because I corrupted my baby brother into something he hated so much that all he wanted was to leave?! -Sam was full on crying now- But, yeah, thanks for clearing that up for me, Sam! -Dean spat out the words ironically-

Tell me, how different would you wish things to be?! What exactly do you regret?! You’re right where you should be, Sam. Living a normal life. That’s what you wanted, right?! So here you go. I stayed away to give you what you wanted, so why can’t you just leave it at that?! Why can’t you just leave me alone already?! Is it a thrill for you to kick me while I am down?! You didn’t want me a year ago, you didn’t trust me a year ago, you weren’t even honest with me a year ago, so why now?! Nothing changed, Sam! I’m not magically a better guy or a better brother or a better… If it’s just because you feel guilty than don’t! Simple as that! -Sam firmly shook his head and felt the wetness on his cheeks shifting- But if you **mean** it… If you **really** mean it… -Dean’s voice softened slightly and Sam held his breath- I don’t know. Why now, Sam? Why now? -Sam sniffled and shrugged helplessly- I’m alive, if that’s what you mean. Okay? I don’t know if that’s in store for me right now. -Dean’s voice trailed off and silence settled in, before the yelling started all over again and Sam flinched at the sudden loudness-

You still love me?! How am I even supposed to react to that?! Why would you even say that?! What could you possibly expect to come out of that?! **I** don’t care?! Oh that’s rich, Sam! That’s just fucking rich! I wished it was that easy! But after one freaking crappy year, during which I tried to hate you so badly, I never stopped loving you! And isn’t that just fucking pathetic, huh?! -Sam sobbed silently in the empty room- Don’t worry, Sam, that doesn’t change a thing. You can go back to your perfect life without me and I won’t bother you again. Yeah, take care too, Sam. Seems you got exactly what you wanted.”

The line went dead. Sam still stood there, phone clutched tightly in his hands and tears streaming in thick ropes down his cheeks. He was in shock, utterly and completely in shock. To hear Dean’s voice after all this time was like coming alive, but to hear all the anger and sadness and pain in his words was like dying all over again. He had promised to not bother him anew. Sam would never see Dean again. That he was certain of in this exact moment. He felt sick and empty and he couldn’t move. The only thing audible was his own uneven breathing and the prominent ticking of his old clock on the wall. Seconds stretched to minutes, but Sam couldn’t snap out of it. He was glued to the spot as his tears slowly subsided. The first thing he heard after a long while was heavy footsteps approaching his front door and then a loud, persistent hammering of a fist against wood. Like in trance, Sam moved to the door, phone still clutched in his hand. He opened and for the second time of the day his heart just stopped.

He looked furious, standing outside there by himself. His hands were balled up to fists and his eyes had this certain gleam inside them that told you to stay away. He was panting heavily, while he directed all the furious energy through his gaze at Sam. Big hands pushed Sam roughly inside and Sam couldn’t do anything but follow. The door was shut with a bang and Sam found himself pinned to the opposite wall by a solid body and an angry stare. He couldn’t flinch away, not even an inch, even if he expected to get punched straight in the face any second now. “Dean”, he whispered breathily. “Shut up!”, Dean replied through clenched teeth. “What are you…” “I said: Shut! Up!”, Dean growled and this time Sam did. Not by choice though, more, because, after Dean interrupted him, he pinned him harder to the wall and kissed him furiously. He kissed him. Dean. Kissed. Him. There was nothing gentle or loving about this first kiss in a year. It was bruising, brutal even, no asking for permission or entry. Dean captured Sam’s lips as if he owned them and truth to be told: He did. More often than not their teeth clicked together and Dean bit Sam in his tempting bottom lip.

At first Sam stood still, he didn’t struggle, but also didn’t participate, just too shocked to do either, but after a while, when he convinced himself that this was really happening, he suddenly jumped to action. He wrapped his overly long arms tightly around his brother’s torso, brought them as close together as possible and finally kissed him back. He poured everything in this kiss: His love, his apologies, his longing, his heart and Dean just sucked it all out of him, until nothing was left but Dean himself. Their kiss was passionate, with all the buried emotions coming to light, wild even, but it was more coordinated now that Sam had joined in. Sam let Dean have all the control, felt that he needed that right now. He let him suck on his tongue, bite his lips and lick into his mouth like a starving man and he never enjoyed another kiss like this one. God it felt good. Dean felt good. All year long he had been dreaming about those plush lips, about his sweet, earthy taste, about that wicked tongue of his that drove him crazy. “Mhmm”, he moaned long and dirty in Dean’s open mouth and Dean just licked it out of him. “Shut up!”, Dean repeated, but this time Sam couldn’t.

“Love you, Dean. Love you so fucking much. God!”, Sam said with a broken voice. Dean, who had moved to Sam’s neck to suck the delicate skin there, bit down hard, when he heard Sam’s words and Sam couldn’t help but wince slightly at the pain. A few heartbeats nothing happened and Sam thought he screwed everything up by saying what he did. It was true though. He didn’t just say it out of the heat of the moment. He meant it. Every. Damn. Word. Then he felt it, it was comforting, warm and wet and he realized that Dean was lapping soothingly at his harsh bite mark with careful little licks of his tongue. Sam sighed contently and ran his fingers through Dean’s hair. It felt just as soft as he remembered. When Dean lifted his head, Sam saw that some of the anger had disappeared out of Dean’s eyes and he looked back at him more fondly now. This time when their lips met it was different, slower, more love, less urgency and taking possession. Sam let Dean lead him through this one too and loved how with Dean he could just let himself fall and leave all the responsibility to him.

A shiver ran down his spine, when Dean’s tongue mapped out his mouth with such care as if he couldn’t bear the thought to leave any spot untouched. Dean nipped gently on his lips now, stroked his tongue with his own and drank down every little sound that escaped Sam’s throat. It was perfect. It was everything and Sam wished it would never stop. Air was becoming scarce though, so Dean had to break away. They both panted heavily, foreheads resting against each other and eyes closed. “Sam… Sam… Sammy”, Dean whispered and Sam got goose bumps just by hearing his pet name out of that beautiful mouth. “Missed you so much, baby boy, you have no idea”, he said and opened his eyes to find Sam looking at him. Sam’s eyes were still bloodshot and it didn’t take much for him to start crying again. “Missed you too, Dean”, he sobbed. “I’m so sorry… so sorry… so sorry.” Dean gingerly wiped the tears away and brushed his lips against Sam’s repeatedly. “Love you”, Sam sniffled and clung to his brother as if he were a lifeline. “Love you too, Sammy.” Sam couldn’t help but smile at those hushed words. Through all the tears and pain and anguish, he felt a teeny tiny speck of hope in his heart. Dean had said it, for the second time now. He still loved him. After everything he had done, all the mistakes he had made, Dean still loved him. Sam had no idea why or how he even deserved that, but his heart swelled with that fact, until it seemed too big for his chest.

“Sam…”, brought Dean him back with a serious tone. Sam focused on him instantaneously. “Are you really sure about this? If you say yes than that’s it, no going back. I can’t and I won’t go through this again. If you say no than I am leaving and we will never talk about this ever again. You will go back to your normal life and I will go back to mine. We will be brothers again and that’s it. Your call, Sammy.” Sam’s head swam with the possibilities. If he understood correctly, Dean would go back to being more than brothers on Sam’s say-so. His heart began to flutter nervously at the thought and he felt light-headed at being so close to what he had longed for ever since he had left. It wasn’t a tough decision to make. Actually there was nothing to decide at all. Dean could have demanded anything from him at the moment and he would have said yes. Leave Stanford and his normal life behind? For Dean, yes. Go back to hunting monsters and living on the road? For Dean, yes. Signing himself over to Dean completely? Yes. As long as he would never have to feel the emptiness Dean had left in him ever again, he would say yes. No going back? Perfect! Sam wouldn’t settle for less, never again.

Dean looked at him warily, still with that spark of anger in his eyes that showed that he was anything but patient for Sam to answer. “Yes, Dean… please… anything. I need you… please”, Sam managed to answer finally and clawed at Dean’s shirt. “Sam, are you sure? You need to be sure! With Stanford and everything!”, Dean challenged obstinately. “I’m sure… I promise. I’m sure.” Sam grew desperate. Would Dean end up saying no? He could understand if he did, but it would destroy him nevertheless. Suddenly Stanford didn’t seem all that important. It simply paled next to the need for his brother. He realized that losing Stanford would be hard, but losing Dean was impossible. Just being his brother again was unthinkable. How did he even survive last year? He had been kidding himself by thinking he could make it without Dean. If he would deny him this now, Sam was not sure if he could ever find his way back to okay. Dean studied him intently, especially focusing on his pleading eyes, apparently searching for either dishonesty or insecurity.

“We will make it work. This time we will make it work”, Dean’s voice rumbled lowly and he looked up to Sam for confirmation. “Yes. This time I will make it work”, Sam replied seriously, changing the words but not the meaning. “Good… Good. Now shut up and kiss me!”, Dean demanded and his voice was barely more than a growl. The little hairs on Sam’s body prickled at the sound and he all but lunged himself at his brother, clutching and clawing and kissing him with a fever so bright it nearly burnt him. One of Sam’s gigantic hands landed on Dean’s neck, massaging and rubbing the spot and fisting in the soft hair. Just the feeling of those soft, spiky strands alone elicited a moan from Sam’s lips that Dean’s tongue swallowed greedily. Sam’s other hand clawed and scratched along Dean’s back, desperate to get to the warm skin underneath. Dean gave back at least as good as he got. The tone of his actions was aggressive again, all desperate longing and brutal possessiveness. He pinned the writhing Sam harder to the wall, squeezed himself firmly in between Sam’s legs and pressed his fingers with bruising intensity into Sam’s waist.

Sam keened high in his throat and tried to get some friction on his rapidly filling cock, but Dean shoved him back and glared at him dangerously. “No!”, he said firmly. Sam tried to break Deans hold and keened again. It was mere torture that Dean was so close but he couldn’t touch him. “I’m gonna give you exactly what you need, baby boy, don’t worry. But I’ll do it at my pace and my pace only. You wanted me back and this is what you’re getting. This is my show, but if you’re giving in, I promise, you’ll get what you need, okay?” Dean spoke quietly. It may have sounded dangerous to unfamiliar ears, but for Sam it was the best aphrodisiac in the world. He didn’t hesitate even a second to give himself over to Dean completely. If this is what Dean needed to make things okay between them again, Sam was more than happy to play along. “Yes, Dean, please”, Sam pleaded breathlessly and Dean smiled, eyes full of dark promises.

He dipped his head forward and captured Sam’s lips again, not using teeth this time, just brushes of his lips and deep strokes of his tongue. It was deep and warm and perfect and Sam moaned at the unique flavor that was Dean. He had been afraid this past year that he would forget, that his taste buds would not remember Dean and he desperately had tried to recreate it in his mind, but it hadn’t worked. God, if he could lose himself in his brother’s taste completely, he would. Then all of a sudden he was bereft of the wonderful flavor and the soft, plush lips and he opened his eyes, panting slightly and feeling confused. His brother looked painfully beautiful like this. Lips flushed and kiss swollen, eyes shining brightly and freckles standing out as to beg to be kissed.

“Go to your bed, lose all the clothes and spread out for me”, Dean whispered directly in Sam’s ear and the younger brother shuddered. Dean stepped back and left Sam room to do exactly what he had ordered and Sam hurried to comply. Never in his life had he felt so aroused or had ached for someone so badly as for Dean. While rushing over to his relatively big, surprisingly comfortable bed, Sam almost stumbled, but eventually made it there in one piece. He felt Dean’s heavy gaze on his back and turned to face him. Dean leered at him, letting his eyes roam over Sam’s form and Sam nearly went mad under the heat of his eyes. “Clothes”, Dean prompted and smiled smugly, because Sam seemed to have forgotten what he was supposed to do. Sam swallowed and nodded. First he stepped out of his socks, than he ripped his blue shirt from his body, thankful that, due to the heat, he was only wearing one layer. Next his fingers hectically fumbled with his belt buckle. He tore it away and struggled with the zipper, frustrated enough to almost rip it apart, when Dean’s voice stopped him in his movement.

“Sam!”, he ordered. “Slowly!” Sam looked up and nodded again, not able to utter any word. He eased the zipper down, inch by inch and swallowed thickly, as he saw Dean watching his every move. He gave his pants a lazy shove and they slid down his longs legs with ease, pooling at his feet. He stepped out of them and kicked them aside. Now Sam stood there, only covered by his stormy gray shorts and let Dean look his fill. “Damn, Sammy”, Dean said with such a gravely deep voice that Sam thought he felt it vibrating right trough him until it reached his bones. “I had every intention to be pissed at you ‘til we’re both old and wrinkly, but look at you…God, you got even bigger now, didn’t you?” Sam just shrugged self-consciously. It was true that he had filled out in that past year. His body was not as lanky and clumsy as it used to be, but even though he did have the muscle mass now, that didn’t mean that he knew how to use it. The year off from their Dad’s training and the constant hunts had gotten to him. His reflexes were not dead, but buried under endless hours of sitting and studying. His brain was probably sharper than ever, but his body was a little out of the loop. Under Dean’s praise Sam turned back into the gangly, awkward teenager he had been once and he loved and hated it at the same time. He loved it, because back then Dean had been his world and he hadn’t even thought about College yet and he hated it, because he was a lot more self-confident now and it bothered him that Dean still had that much control over him.

“Tell me, Sam, how many people got to see you like this in the past year? How many people got you naked and moaning for them, huh? Tell me!” Dean’s voice was gentle, quiet even, but anybody, who knew him better, heard the danger underneath. There was no mistaking, Dean wanted an answer and he wanted it now. For one moment Sam was reluctant to give him what he wanted. He wanted to tell Dean that this wasn’t fair and that Dean had no right to ask him that, but Sam knew his brother better than anyone else and he heard that underneath the anger and the big show of alleged strength there was hurt and uncertainty. It was very important for Dean that he answered that question and that he answered it honestly. Sam only hoped Dean would read his words correctly. “No one”, he said barely audible and he could literally see the color draining from Dean’s face. “Come again?” Sam sighed and repeated just as quietly: “I said no one. I haven’t been with anybody since I left.” “Why?”, Dean asked with a hint of confusion coloring his voice.

“I tried, okay? I tried to leave you behind, tried to forget what we had and start over, but I couldn’t. Every time someone came close to me all I could think was that this isn’t right. He is too short, too chubby, his hair is to dark, his eyes are blue, his voice is too high and he doesn’t smell right. It was worse even when it was a girl. You were right earlier, it was me who closed the door, but that doesn’t mean that I locked it. I basically tried to reopen that door, after one week in College. I called you, you know? I mean, for a while I called you **constantly**. I tried to get a hold of you, talk to you, make it right, but every time your answering machine answered I knew that you didn’t want to hear it and so I didn’t say anything. Today though I couldn’t just say nothing. I don’t know why. I don’t know why today, why now. The only thing I know is that in one year I haven’t found anyone, who could replace you and the reason for that is that I don’t want to replace you. You are the only one I want, Dean.”

“It took you long enough to realize that”, Dean said and Sam could hear the hurt underneath the cocky attitude. “I know…I know. I’m sorry.” “You know, Sammy, there has been a lot of taking but no showing. I recall that I gave you some pretty clear instructions.” The atmosphere in the room changed drastically and Sam could almost feel the sexual tension. The air buzzed from it, sending tiny electrical shocks through his veins and making his skin prickle. Sam looked down his body to find his shorts still firmly in place, but they couldn’t hide his growing arousal in the least. Dean followed his gaze and when Sam caught his eye he grinned smugly and gave him an invitational tilt of his head. Sam understood and he hooked his fingers in his shorts and shoved them to the floor. He held his breath as Dean looked him over once more and this time his brother didn’t have to remind him of his instructions.

Naked as he was, Sam climbed on the bed and crawled back until his head rested on the pillows. He swallowed his nervousness and just bent his legs and spread them wide. A deep rumble of appreciation echoed through the room and a pleasant shiver ran through Sam’s body. “Yeah, just like that, Sammy. Show me everything of you.” “Deaan”, Sam pleaded, hoping it would bring his brother closer to him, but Dean still just stood there in the doorway and looked at him as if he wanted to eat him alive. “Not yet, baby boy…not yet. Touch yourself for me, can you do that?” Sam keened desperately, on the one hand, because Dean denied him to touch him and on the other hand, because Dean’s words made his filling cock twitch in the most delicious manner. “Come on, Sammy…let me see you.” It was these gentle words that brought Sam to action.

He brought one hand to his own torso, running soothing circles over his chest and stomach, before he brushed his fingertips over his nipples and teased them into hardness. Sam sighed and moaned quietly, while he explored his own body and Dean just looked at him, looked at him, as if he wanted to burn this moment into his memory. “So good for me, Sammy”, Dean praised silently and Sam felt his sensitive skin prickle again. Without having to be told, Sam let his fingers wander lower, pass his navel and find the tip of his half hard cock waiting eagerly for his touch. He caressed the head lovingly and gathered the first drops of moisture on his fingertips. “Taste so good, baby boy”, Dean commented and Sam whimpered slightly remembering all the times, when Dean had really tasted him.

Next he gave his cock a few lazy, slow strokes, spreading the fluid languidly and giving Dean a good show. “So hard for me, aren’t you?” “Always”, Sam replied breathily talking through the sweet pleasure. His one hand kept on stroking his cock in its slow pace, while the other one found its way lower to play with his balls, massaging and tugging lightly. “Mhmm”, he moaned again and Dean echoed it instantaneously. “Jesus, Sammy!”, Dean exclaimed losing his calm posture for a moment, but finding it again just as quickly. “Did you do that sometimes, Sammy? Did you lie in your bed like this, touching yourself and thinking about me? Fantasizing about what I could do with you or what I already have done with you, hm?” “All…the…time”, Sam managed to answer through breathy gasps. Now it was Dean’s turn to moan. “God…I can see it, Sammy. Can imagine what you looked like: Desperate, because whatever you did wasn’t enough. Never enough.” “Yes…yes”, Sam said eagerly, because that was exactly how it had felt like: Never enough. Because it was just him, all by himself and his body had craved for something more: For Dean, plain and simple.

Sam sped up his strokes and saw the arousal increasing in Dean’s eyes. He never took his gaze away from his brother. Every speck of pleasure he felt was because of Dean, every tiny sound he made was for Dean and every touch he lacked was of Dean. God, he needed him. He needed him so badly he couldn’t think straight. Every cell of his body was filled with equally pleasure and longing and it nearly drove him crazy. Sam knew that only Dean looking at him like that would get him to come very soon, if he didn’t slow down, but it was almost impossible to stop. Dean was here, so close, standing only a few inches away from him and his body felt it. Every fiber of his body was alive with Dean, his sensitivity and arousal were heightened to unknown highs and his brain knew that the fulfillment he was so close to finding would be better than anything he had felt in the past year. So stopping wasn’t high on his list of things to do. But just as always, when Sam was looking for guidance, Dean was right there and it was his voice, which stopped the stroking and caressing and fondling all at once.

“Stop, baby boy! Not yet. Don’t want you to come like this. Don’t have to come like this, Sammy. I’m here now… I’m here.” Sam whimpered slightly, but immediately stopped touching himself. Dean was right. There was no need for this lonely release, not when Dean was right there to join him. “Shht”, Dean soothed. “Were so good for me, Sammy. So gorgeous like this, loosing yourself for me. Gonna give you what you need. Want you on your hands and knees now, can you do that for me?”, he added gently and Sam did as he was told, kneeing on shaky legs, facing away from his brother. He opened his legs, until he had a comfortable position and bowed his head. The groan Dean uttered was downright erotic and it traveled right to Sam’s cock, hanging fully hard and flushed between his legs and weeping a constant stream of precum. Sam knew that Dean was aware of how much he hated to be in this position. They were both raised hunters and were not used to leaving themselves so open and vulnerable to another person, but in this instant it was the only way to make it work. Sam had screwed up, Sam had misused Dean’s trust and it was Sam, who had to prove himself to his brother now.

A few moments passed in silence and Sam’s tension grew with each one. Now there was still an opportunity to stop what they started. Dean still had the chance to walk out and leave him behind like this and that fact terrified him. Sam knew that Dean was not punishing him with the silence, Dean was not like that. The silence was only there for Dean to make his ultimate decision. When Sam finally felt the mattress tilt under a second weight, the whole tension rushed out of Sam’s body and he inhaled deeply. Dean crawled to him, while his hands followed his path upwards. First he caressed his ticklish soles, then his calves, his thighs, his butt and finally they roamed all over his back. God it felt good to have his hands on his skin again, so good that goose bumps followed their path and Sam moaned quietly. “Good?”, Dean teased and breathed right on his sensitive outer ear.  “Yes…Dean…please.” “Please, what?”, Dean kept on whispering and Sam moaned frustrated. “Please…touch me”, he pleaded and hoped that his voice conveyed how much he needed Dean’s hands on him in this instant.

“Here?”, Dean asked and let his fingers comb through Sam’s strands. “Or here?” He massaged Sam’s shoulders lightly. “Maybe here?” Without much fumbling he found Sam’s already stimulated nipples and brushed them teasingly. Dean paused in his explorations and Sam realized that he actually was supposed to answer. “No”, he gasped out, too far gone to form more words than that. “No?”, Dean asked mockingly surprised. “Not here then, huh? Hmm… What about here, Sammy? Is that it?” Sam cried out softly, when Dean’s searching fingers brushed the head of his cock completely out of the blue. “Deaan”, Sam pleaded and to his own surprise his voice sounded like he was in a great amount of pain. “Shht”, Dean soothed instantly. “Just a little longer, baby boy. Just a little longer.” Sam whimpered, but didn’t plead anymore. He knew that Dean would give him everything he needed soon enough; he was safe in his hands.

Suddenly big, warm hands grabbed his hips and he found himself sitting on Dean’s lap. Happy about the close contact, Sam let himself sink back against Dean’s chest and felt how his brother’s arms surrounded him protectively. It was strange how normal it felt that he was completely naked straddling Dean, who was still covered by every item of his clothes. He heard Dean inhale his scent, sighed contently and closed his eyes. “Better now?”, Dean asked softly and all the teasing quality disappeared out of his voice. Sam just nodded. Now that he felt Dean so close to him again it really was better. The urgency of the past moment fell away. Dean’s lips found Sam’s neck and they kissed it lovingly, while Dean’s hands wandered to Sam’s hips and made them move ever so slowly on his lap. At first the feeling was a little uncomfortable, as rough denim rubbed over his skin, but as soon as he became aware of Dean’s erection, which he moved against, he started to enjoy it and let his hips circle more intently. “Mhmm”, he moaned silently, letting his head rest on Dean’s shoulder.

“That’s what you do to me, little brother. Got so hard just by watching you. God, you have no idea how much I need you right now.” “Am right here”, Sam reminded him. “Yeah, now you are. Wanted you so badly so many times this past year and you weren’t there.” “I know…I’m sorry…am here now”, Sam forced out even if the pleasant friction nearly drove him mad. “Yeah. Won’t let you go again, you know that right?”, Dean murmured into his skin. “Won’t go again. Never again”, Sam promised dead serious. He could feel Dean smile into his shoulder. “Good… Now that we got that settled, shall we proceed?” “You did all that just to hear me say that, didn’t you?”, Sam asked and couldn’t hide that he wasn’t mad at all. Dean chuckled. “Maybe.” “You’re impossible”, Sam chuckled. “Impossibly awesome?”, Dean asked mockingly and let Sam circle extra deep in his lap. Sam moaned. “Impossibly handsome?”, he asked and repeated his circular motion. Sam moaned again. “Impossibly full of yourself”, Sam gasped and now Dean chuckled. “Funny, little brother. Let’s see how long you can keep that up.”

With a single shove Sam was kneeing again and he could hear the ripping of cloth under impatient hands. “Tired of waiting”, he heard Dean mutter. The belt buckle clinked when Dean tore it open and one after another Sam could hear the dull sound of clothes hitting the ground. Finally. Sam almost sighed deeply out of the sheer relief that Dean was finally naked too. Then there he was, draping himself all over Sam’s back and pulling him back to his body, so Sam could feel his hard cock brush his butt. “Any other jokes for me?”, Dean asked and made a clear forward motion with his hips to punctuate his question. “God…please, Dean… do something! I’m so close.” As to strengthen Sam’s point his aching cock twitched slightly. Sam heard a familiar clicking sound and then Dean was back all over him, rocking his hips against Sam’s butt and breathing hotly in his hear. “Then come for me, Sammy. Gonna make you come so often today that you’ll forget everything but my name”, he whispered and with one quick shove he buried two slick fingers in Sam’s hole. That was it. It just was too much, too long of a foreplay, too much teasing, too much need. Sam cried out sharply, on one side, because he was coming like a freight train and shooting thick, white ropes all over himself and the sheets bellow him, but also, because the burning stretch of Dean’s fingers inside him had surprised and hurt him slightly. He just wasn’t used to it anymore.

While his whole body shuck and vibrated with his release, Dean’s fingers didn’t stop. Sam’s hole clenched and pulsed around his thick digits, as he kept on pumping them in and out rhythmically. Since Dean was so familiar with Sam’s body, it didn’t take him long to find Sam’s prostate and he nudged it now on every thrust, making Sam moan and mewl at the stimulation. Sam couldn’t think straight anymore, his release had been powerful and his body told him to lie down and calm down, but Dean’s wicked fingers wouldn’t let him. They teased and stroked and massaged his hole mercilessly with all their skill and Sam had to fight to stay upright. “God…yes. So good for me, Sammy. Love to see you come. Just for me. Nobody got to see you like that, nobody got to touch you like that, yeah?”, Dean urged and buried his slick fingers deeper. “Just…you”, Sam breathed and cried out hoarsely as Dean tormented his sweet spot. “Can’t anymore, Dean… I can’t”, Sam pleaded with a broken voice. “What, baby boy? Want. Me. To. Stop?”, he asked, punctuating each of his words with a thrust into Sam’s quivering body. “No… Can’t be upright anymore… I gotta… Oh God, Dean!”

“Shht shht…It’s okay, Sammy. It’s okay”, Dean soothed him, removed his fingers and helped the shaking Sam to lie down on his back. Sam panted harshly, his eyes were closed and his chest heaved in a frantic rhythm. Dean was over him, watching him fondly, drinking in the sight of Sam’s flushed cheeks, his open lips and the moist strands of come glistening on his skin. He brushed Sam’s hair out of his eyes, caressed his cheeks, his collarbones, his chest and stomach and waited for him to catch his breath. Sam’s body still buzzed and even if Dean’s fingers were gone, his entrance still clenched as if it missed the fullness. When he finally came back to himself and managed to open his eyes, Dean’s face was only inches apart from his own. His brother smiled down at him and his eyes glimmered in the dusky lighting of the room. “Feeling better?”, he asked silently and brushed his fingertips over Sam’s abdomen in a circular motion. Sam nodded and hummed his agreement, still too fucked out to talk. “Were a little backed up, huh?”, Dean asked and pointedly let his fingers run through the mess on Sam’s stomach. Sam shrugged: “Was no point in changing that”, he said quietly.

Dean bowed his head down and kissed him sweetly on the lips. “Well, I’m here now, so let me help you with that”, he suggested, voice full of innuendo. “Give me a minute… Can’t move yet”, Sam replied groggily. Dean grinned smugly. “Well than it’s a good thing that you won’t have to for my next plan.” Sam raised his eyebrows questioningly, but only got a wink in return. Then all of a sudden Dean was kneeling above him, facing away from Sam’s head and straddling it, so Sam’s mouth was almost perfectly aligned to Dean’s angry red cock, hanging full and hard between Dean’s legs. “Dean?”, Sam asked, but his brother only snickered quietly, before he enveloped Sam in hot, wet bliss. “Aah”, Sam cried out as Dean swallowed the tip of his still sensitive cock and let his tongue tease the slit. “Can’t let all the good come go to waste, now can I?”, Dean asked as he released him momentarily. Right after uttering these words, Dean’s tongue snaked out of his mouth and he lapped up all the cooling come from Sam’s earlier release. “Yeah, baby boy, just as sweet as I remembered”, he praised and continued to surround Sam’s flesh with his eager tongue. Sam moaned and felt all the blood rush back to his cock. It felt like dying or like floating on clouds and he could do nothing more than moan and groan and whimper as Dean pleasured him with all he got.

When the pillowy, soft lips enveloped the head of his now hard cock he shot up and almost choked Dean, but as his nose brushed Dean’s hard flesh dangling right in front of him he was also reminded that he still had a job to do. Dean fixated his hips firmly with his hands, brushing his thumps over Sam’s hipbones and really swallowed him down now. Sam moaned helplessly and took Dean in hand. Now it was Deans turn to moan. It sounded hollow since he had his mouth full of Sam, but there was no mistaking just how much he enjoyed it. Sam stroked the hard flesh for a few moments, just remembering and savoring the feel of it, as it lay heavy in his hands. He could see and feel how ready Dean was to come. His cock felt so full and ready to burst that it almost seemed painful and Sam was eager to lessen Dean’s ache. So while he still fought to not pump his hips to have Dean take him deeper, he brought the glistening tip of Dean’s erection to his lips and just lapped at it gingerly. The taste was there instantaneously and he moaned quietly as it flooded in his mouth. Greedily he went back for more and lapped and sucked the precum directly from the source. Dean’s hips rocked gently and he increased the suction on Sam’s cock. Sam moaned deep in his throat and reacted by taking Dean down his throat as far as possible.

It was a pleasant, tormenting game they played. When one increased the suction, the other followed suit, when one took the other one deeper, the other played along, so for a fair amount of minutes the only sounds audible were wet sucking sounds, deep grunting and pained moaning. No one wanted to give up, no one wanted to give in, but both wanted to come, Dean probably more since he hadn’t come yet. As the sweet agony got too much to take, Sam decided to go in for the kill. There was absolutely no chance Dean would survive this without coming. He let Dean’s spit slick cock slip from his lips and heard the agonized moan come from Dean’s mouth, but lucky for him Dean didn’t stop blowing him. He moaned gratefully and wiped away the spit from his chin. Once he felt that Dean was distracted enough by pleasuring him, he spread Dean’s cheeks and breathed warmly over his exposed hole.  Dean’s sound of surprise was almost a squeak, but Sam didn’t give him time to regain his composure. Gently he spread the firm cheeks wider and then licked a broad stripe all the way through the cleft. Dean’s thighs quivered and his rhythm on Sam’s cock faltered momentarily, before he doubled his efforts. Sam moaned. He was close and Dean knew it. Apparently his brother was set on “winning” this round, but Sam was just a stubborn as he was.

Sam brought the flat of his tongue over Dean’s entrance and lapped just at the wrinkly outer skin for the moment. When Dean’s thighs quivered even harder and his cock twitched before Sam’s eyes, Sam began to suck on the muscle. He lapped at it, sucked the skin between his lips and nibbled the cheeks with abandon, just as Dean sucked on his cock as if he contained the only cure for a lethal disease he didn’t have. It wasn’t a game anymore, it had turned into something else. It wasn’t about winning and losing anymore, it was about giving the other one the greatest pleasure and seeing him fall apart beneath ones hands. Just as Sam grew desperate to finally see Dean come for him after all this time, the muscle gave way and he could stab his tongue inside. Many things happened at the same time after that. First he could taste the earthy taste of Dean again, then he heard Dean moan gravelly as his tongue pressed inside him and ultimately he felt Deans hands reach out to play with his balls and tug at them urgently to help him along.

It was as if time stood still for a moment. Sam saw Dean’s cock swell even more and twitch as his brother finally came. Dean moaned dully with his mouth full and Sam brought his hands to his cock to milk him through it. Almost exactly at the same time he felt his balls contract and he was shooting down Dean’s throat with a cry that was half sweet pleasure and half agonizing pain. Sam could feel Dean’s come running thickly over his fingers, but he didn’t stop sucking and licking into Dean, even after the stream out of Dean’s cock stopped. Dean seemed equally unwilling to let Sam go and he let his tongue lap gingerly at Sam’s sated cock to catch every last drop of him. They both panted heavily when they finally stopped teasing each other’s skin and Dean turned himself around on shaky legs, so he could lie next to Sam.

“That was…”, Sam started still out of breath and voice slightly hoarse from crying out loud. “Yeah…yeah it was”, Dean answered, understanding perfectly what Sam was about to say. “Come here”, Sam pleaded and Dean turned his head to look at him. He smiled and shuffled over, until he was molding his body into Sam’s, one leg hooked over Sam’s and head buried into his shoulder. Sam sighed contently and surrounded Dean with his arms. “Love you”, he said into the silence. “Are you getting sappy on me now, Samantha?”, Dean asked and as Sam remained silent he sighed as well. “I love you too, Sammy, you know that.” Sam grinned smugly and Dean caught up. “You **do** know that! You just wanted to hear me say it, didn`t you?!” “Well, what can I say… Payback’s a bitch!”, he snickered and Dean punched him lightly.

“Don’t think I am through with you already! If I remember correctly I promised you that by the end of this you would forget everything but my name and for now there are still too many things coming out of your mouth that aren’t ‘Dean’.” Sam swallowed. Was Dean serious? Did he really want to go again? He already came twice. Apparently Dean wanted to kill him by too many orgasms and damn if Sam would do anything to stop him. “You serious?”, he asked tentatively and Dean just chuckled. “Give me a minute, baby boy and I’ll fuck you through the mattress.” Sam swallowed again and his dick gave a feeble twitch. It seemed as if his body could in fact go another round, but a minute of catching his breath seemed like a good idea. So he snuggled closer to Dean and breathed him in, still trying to convince himself that his brother was really here and they had really had amazing sex and would continue to do so in a minute or so.

“Dean?”, he asked a little sleepily. “Hmm”, Dean hummed and kissed Sam’s shoulder. “I know it’s none of my business, but, since you asked me too, I…” “Spit it out!”, Dean interrupted his rambling. “I told you I haven’t been with anyone this past year, but you…” “I have”, Dean said. “I thought so”, Sam replied and he couldn’t hide the hint of hurt coloring his voice. “No, you don’t understand, Sam. I haven’t been with anybody because it was easy for me to forget what we had. I had sex with them, because I was angry at you… I thought you wouldn’t care if I started to sleep around again and I didn’t want to be the only one holding on to something that was messed up in the first place. I won’t say I’m sorry, because you left, not me, but if it helps: It never felt right or good even. It was just sex, just some stupid attempt to erase you from my memory.” Sam nodded. That wasn’t what he expected, but it touched him that Dean was so honest to him, even if he hated the thought of anybody being that close to Dean besides him.

“And as you can see, it didn’t work”, Dean added and chuckled lightly. “You were almost impossible to keep out of my head, even when I was with someone else. I got smacked in the face more than once, because I accidentally moaned the wrong name.” Dean laughed wholeheartedly and Sam smiled at the thought. It made the whole thing easier to know that Dean still had thought about him, even after everything that happened. “You really don’t want to hear me talk about this, do you?”, Dean asked as he composed himself. “No, it’s okay. Thanks for telling me”, Sam said and really meant it. “Nothing of this is important anymore, Sammy. None of them. I forgot their faces the minute I was done with them. You are the one that stayed with me through all this. You are the only one I need, you’ll see.” Sam’s eyes glazed over with the tears he wouldn’t let fall and he just grabbed Dean and kissed him as if it was the only thing he was capable of. Dean climbed on top of him and their bodies melted together.

“You don’t have to tell me that, Dean. I’m the one who screwed everything up. I’m so…”, Sam started when the need for air forced them to part. “Shh... I know, I know. None of that anymore, okay? You screwed up, we both had a horrible year, but that’s over now. No need to dwell on it, right?” “You’re right, but Dean…I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve a clean slate.” Sam had to say it, had to make Dean understand that even if he wanted to he couldn’t simply forget what he had done. “What do you want me to do, Sammy? Yell at you? I already did. Be mad at you? I am, but I don’t want to be apart from you any longer because of it. You made a mistake, a huge, crappy mistake, you apologized and that’s it for me Sammy. I just want to put this fucking terrible year behind me, can’t you understand that?” “Of course I can. I guess I just have to find a way to pay my dues”, Sam mused and looked fondly at his brother. He wanted to put the year behind him just as much, well at least that part of it that he spend missing Dean and feeling guilty for leaving him, but he didn’t know if he could. It was just too much that Dean let him off the hook so easily. That couldn’t possibly be the end of it and he waited fearfully for the other shoe to drop.

Dean sighed. “Sammy, the only thing I want from you right now is that you promise me not to just leave me behind like this again. Whatever it is, talk to me about it first and we’ll find a solution. If you had told me about Stanford sooner I’m sure we could have worked something out.” “You wouldn’t have wanted me to go”, Sam argued. “Damn right! But not, because I didn’t want this for you, Sammy. I hated that you had to leave us to be happy. I hated that I couldn’t be part of that. I just didn’t want to lose you. That’s the only reason I didn’t want you to go.” Sam’s expression softened. “You would have supported me?”, he asked incredulously, watching Dean for any sign of mockery. “Of course I would have! I mean, after kicking your ass for leaving me alone with Dad, naturally.” “Naturally”, Sam repeated and smiled brightly at him.

“I don’t deserve you”, he silently uttered the words that ran through his head non-stop since Dean had showed up on his doorstep. “Well that’s too bad, because apparently you’re the only one I want and I don't come with a return address”, Dean said teasingly, but his words still conveyed their meaning. Sam’s mistake hadn’t changed the way Dean saw him and it certainly hadn’t changed the way he felt about him. Sam was the luckiest bastard on god’s green earth and he very well knew it. “Seems like I have to keep you then”, he teased back and Dean chuckled. “Oh, I think I could be very handy to have”, he said smugly and when he said ‘handy’ he let his hands travel down Sam’s sides. Sam hummed. “I’m sure I can come up with a few ways to use you”, he replied, voice full of innuendo. “Is that so? Want to share with the class, College boy?” Sam laughed hoarsely. “If my mind doesn’t play tricks on me, I recall you said something about you and me and this mattress.” “Oh that. Piece of cake”, Dean waved away cockily. “So far there has been a lot of talking but no showing”, Sam said smugly. “You couldn’t let that one go, could you?”, Dean answered with an amused tone. Sam grinned. “You know the answer to that.” “Yeah, I guess I do. Well, Stanford, let’s find out how loud I can make you scream, shall we?”

Dean all but leered at him and Sam readied himself for the inevitable attack. All of a sudden Dean wasn’t just on top of him, but everywhere. He had spread Sam’s legs to place himself firmly between them, his hands were on either side of his brother’s head and his lips were mere inches from Sam’s. “Ready for another round?”, he whispered in Sam’s ear and brought his hands down to stroke Sam’s flaccid cock to hardness. They both felt the blood rushing to Sam’s cock and the flesh harden, so the answer was pretty obvious. “Looks like I am”, Sam said, both smug and surprised. Smug, because after two mind-blowing orgasms he was still not worn out and surprised because, well, because he wasn’t worn out. Dean’s hands on him apparently were better than Viagra. Dean smiled dirtily. “You won’t be after this”, he promised as he kept on stroking Sam. Sam moaned and reached out to get his hands on Dean as well. He was eagerly awaited by Dean’s cock, which already seemed impossibly hard again. He stroked him in the same rhythm as Dean stroked him and it didn’t take long for them to be moaning and ready for more.

Dean sought out his mouth and licked into it with greedy laps of his tongue and Sam opened up for him and sucked on his tongue as if it was his favorite lollipop. When they focused entirely on their melting mouths, the rhythm of their stroking faltered and Dean took over. He batted Sam’s hand away, took them both in hand and resumed the stroking with double intensity now. Sam groaned and arched his back to get closer to the pleasuring hand and the sweet friction of Dean’s flesh against his own. “Yeah, Sammy. Just like that”, Dean praised and remained stroking them together to white, hot bliss. Sam mewled and kept making little bucking motions with his hips, desperate for the contact. When Dean began to kiss him again, Sam had to shut his eyes due to sensory overload and all he could do was let Dean in and echo every grunt and groan his brother made for him. Since he was completely distracted with Dean all around him, he didn’t pay attention to the silent clicking sound and also didn’t notice the unfamiliar tension on his cock at first. It didn’t take any time though to notice that Dean had stopped stroking them and he instantly mourned the loss. When he uttered his sound of displeasure, Dean chuckled lightly. “Didn’t want you to come like this. Need to be inside you, baby boy. I’ll take it off soon enough.” “Yes!”, Sam urged, desperate to have Dean fill him again after far too long. Wait… Take what off?!

Sam cracked his eyes open, broke the kiss and looked down his own body.  What the hell was…Oh. Oh! Dean had put a cock ring on him. There it was, having his erection in a firm hold and denying him sweet release as long as it was in place. Now the tensing feeling made sense, but the question remained: Why? “Dean?”, Sam asked and looked questioningly at the cock ring and then up to Dean. Dean grinned broadly and then bowed down to whisper in Sam’s ear: “Told you I’ll fuck you through the mattress, Sammy. Can’t have you coming too soon. Not ‘til I’m finished with you.” “Bastard”, Sam replied through clenched teeth, without any heat behind it. Dean chuckled. “Love you too, baby boy.” With these words Dean urged Sam’s legs apart and angled for the lube, lying somewhere on the sheets, opening it with a snap and slicking up his fingers.

As Deans hands then dove lower, Sam automatically spread his legs wider to give him better access. Dean noticed the little motion and smiled slightly. The year apart hadn’t changed the way they worked together. They still we’re a well coordinated team. Dean’s slick fingers brushed Sam’s entrance and the muscle twitched expectantly at the contact.  “Dean”, Sam urged impatiently and shifted slightly on the sheets. Dean stopped him with firm hands on his hips and finally inched the first finger forward to breach Sam. Sam keened, but he was still lose enough that Dean could get his whole finger in without difficulty. Sam closed his eyes and his head lolled from one side to the other, as Dean crooked his finger and thrust it in and out. “Yeah, Sammy. Let me in”, Dean praised and replaced the one finger quickly with two. Even that didn’t get Sam to clam up and Dean let him go, so he could rock back into Dean’s fingers. To have Dean inside him again felt so good it almost hurt and Sam really tried to be patient, but he simply couldn’t anymore.

“Dean, please…God, please…Now”, he nearly sobbed and rocked back harder on Deans probing fingers. “Shht… Just a minute longer. Don’t want to hurt you, baby boy”, Dean replied softly and brought a third finger to Sam’s hole. “God”, Sam gasped and moaned deep in his throat as the third digit breached him. It was almost unbearable how full he felt, how glad, how close to losing himself. Dean’s fingers crooked and rolled into him with practiced ease and on every other stroke they nudged his prostate, which got Sam to shoot up and groan in pleasant frustration. Now he understood why Dean had put the cock ring on him. He was absolutely sure that he would have come by now if it weren’t still denying him release. “Ready, Sammy?”, Dean asked gently and stopped his movements. “Yes… Yes…Need…” “Shht, I got you”, Dean shushed him, removed his fingers and slicked himself up. He brought himself in position and Sam held his breath, when he felt Dean’s cock nudge his entrance. “Breathe for me, Sammy”, Dean asked and the minute Sam did, he thrust forward and suddenly was inside of Sam. Sam’s breath stuttered and he looked up at Dean with a glimpse of wonder in his eyes.

For a moment or two they just looked at each other, felt the connection and slowed their racing hearts, but soon the urge to move got too big. Dean looked for any sign of discomfort in Sam’s expression and as he found none he inched forward with gentle little thrusts until finally he was entirely buried. “Dean”, Sam said, amazement obvious in his voice. Dean just bowed down and kissed him almost timidly on the lips. Sam opened up and snaked his tongue into Dean’s mouth to be as connected to his brother as possible. After a while of sweet kisses, Sam started to claw at Deans back and bucked slightly. Dean didn’t break the kiss but followed the silent invitation nevertheless, by thrusting shallowly at first. Sam sighed gratefully and picked up his rhythm immediately. For the first couple of minutes it was sensually slow. They experienced the other one with all their senses. Smelling the familiar scent of them mingling, hearing the other one moan and pant and gasp and feeling how close they were, both connected through their bodies and their minds.

As Dean changed the angle a little bit though and hit Sam’s prostate dead on, for the first time, Sam screamed out silently into Dean’s mouth and urged Dean to increase the pace by grabbing Dean’s butt firmly. Dean moaned and then snickered lightly as he didn’t quicken his thrusts in the slightest bit. Sam moaned frustrated and decided that he was done playing games. His cock felt so hard he was surprised it didn’t just bust the ring open and the constant stimulation to his prostate bordered on painful. He simply needed to come, preferably right this second, but as always Dean wanted to test his durability. Sam growled dangerously, bit down hard on Dean’s plush bottom lip and turned them around with one quick motion, so he ended up straddling Dean. Dean laughed hoarsely, exhaustion clear in his voice. “You were always pushy”, he teased and thrust upwards to hit Sam’s sweet spot. Sam moaned, but clenched his legs firmly to lessen Dean’s room to move. “My turn to play”, he said and pinched Dean’s flushed nipples. Dean chuckled again, but the sound got stuck in his throat as Sam suddenly started to ride him with quick, sharp motions.

“God”, Dean groaned and steadied Sam’s hips with his hands. “Missed this, baby boy. Missed this so much”, he admitted honestly. Sam threw his head back, closed his eyes and increased his pace, taking him deeper and deeper until he felt him everywhere. “Yes…Sammy, God…Yes… Look so fucking gorgeous like this…Don’t stop!” Sam mewled and let his hands roam all over Dean’s sweaty chest. He felt completely high, every thought he tried to form blurred, reality just swam away and everything that remained was bliss. Unfortunately Sam knew that this perfect moment of nothingness couldn’t last. His body craved release and the urge to finally find it increased with every passing second. “Dean…Please…Dean…I gotta…Dean”, Sam pleaded and gave his hips a sensual circular motion that got Dean moaning loudly. “Yeah…Yeah...Come for me, Sammy”, Dean moaned and with one quick motion the ring clicked open and Sam’s cock was free. Dean meant to reach out to stroke Sam to completion but it wasn’t necessary. As soon as he was freed from his constriction, Sam screamed out in painful bliss, arched his back and came with Dean thrusting in an exquisite angle against his prostate. Dean saw Sam losing it above him, shooting his come in a perfect arc all over him and even if Sam hadn’t clenched him so perfectly tight right then, Dean would have come nevertheless, just on this image alone. “ **Saam** ”, he groaned and felt his release pulsing deep and hot inside of Sam.

As Sam came to, he was still sitting on top of his brother and he could still feel him twitching inside of him. Absentmindedly he spread his cooling come over Dean’s feverish skin and felt the racing heartbeat underneath. “I think I’m dead”, Dean mumbled and then louder: “I think you just killed me, Sammy.” Sam smiled a blissed out but tired smile and swayed slightly in his position. Dean reacted immediately by guiding Sam gently on top of his body, so Sam ended up covering Dean like a blanket. The change in position forced Dean to pull out of Sam’s warm body and his brother uttered a small sound of displeasure at that. “Shht”, Dean soothed as he surrounded Sam with his arms and stroked through his sweaty hair. “Dean”, Sam sighed and snuggled impossibly closer. For a while they just enjoyed the silence and the close company of one another, but then Dean chuckled silently. “Seems like I won”, he said smugly. “Hmm?”, Sam asked sleepily. “I promised you I would reduce your vocabulary to just Dean, when I am done with you, remember?” “Hmm”, Sam confirmed and then raised his head. “What good is that though if you’re dead?”, he asked, slurring the words slightly. “Huh?” “You said, I killed you”, Sam explained and grinned smugly. “Oh, right. You sure did…but what a way to go”, he replied instantly. Sam laughed so wholeheartedly that it made both of their bodies shake.

He calmed down when he felt Deans fingertips brush his neck and he flinched slightly at a sudden pain. “Sorry”, Dean mumbled and Sam realized that he was apologizing for biting him earlier. He raised his head and captured Dean’s lips in a sweet kiss. “Love you, Dean and now everybody can see it”, he said and smiled fondly at his brother. Dean smiled back and brushed the obvious mark gently. “Love you too, Sammy.” Sam pecked him on the mouth and toyed with Dean’s amulet, while he buried himself deep in his own thoughts. “Sammy?”, Dean asked and finally got his brother to look at him. “Why did you come back, Dean?”, Sam asked quietly. Dean sighed deeply. “You are not very good in the whole putting things behind you business, are you?”, he teased, but turned serious right after. “I came back, because you told me that you still loved me. Sammy, if I had known that you still loved me I would have come here a lot sooner, like probably a year ago, but you never said anything when you called me. All the messages you left me were just full of you telling me how good College life was for you. There was never even a hint of regret. Until today I had no idea how you felt about any of this.” Sam listened to him intently and nodded when he was done. “That’s my fault, Dean. All of this is my fault. I should have told you that I wanted to come here, I should have told you that it had nothing to do with you and that it didn’t change the way I felt about you, I shouldn’t have chickened out and just asked you to come with me.”

“You thought about asking me to go with you?”, Dean asked, completely surprised at the last thing Sam had said. “Yeah”, Sam said softly and rubbed the back of his head, as if he were embarrassed to admit that. “It was actually the first thing on my mind when I got the acceptance letter. I mean, I knew even back then that it was stupid. You would have never just ditched Dad and left with me, but sometimes I had wished that you would. -Sam laid his head back on Dean’s chest- It was my idea of a perfect new start, just you and me and College.” Dean looked at him in utter amazement. “Yeah, don’t say it, I know I was naive, I just…” “No, No…You…this…I don’t know what to say. You really thought about this, Sammy?”, Dean interrupted him. Sam laughed silently. “Only all the time. It was my favorite dream, next to you sucking me off on your precious baby.” “Why did you never tell me that? And by the way, if we wouldn’t get arrested for public indecency, I would drag your ass outside and make your second dream come true right now.” Sam chuckled, but composed himself quickly to answer Dean’s question.

“I thought you would find it stupid. I mean, it was never gonna happen anyway, so why tell you”, Sam answered finally on a sigh. “I wouldn’t have found it stupid, Sammy. I mean, yeah -he sighed- I wouldn’t have left with you. You know that I can’t do that. The life your living might be right for you, but it isn’t for me and Dad needed me. But I wouldn’t have found it stupid. I guess I just would have liked to know why you left and if it was my fault and that would have made it easier to understand you a little bit.”, Dean tried to explain. “It was never your fault, Dean. You have to believe me! Dad and I…It was just time for me to find my own way. I couldn’t stay with you and Dad any longer and never explore if there is anything else in store for me. I just didn’t want to believe that all I’ll ever get is killing monsters for a living and ultimately being killed by one. I had to take this chance, Dean. I just needed to be my own person and with Dad that was never possible for me. But you…you were **never** the reason I wanted to go. You were all the reasons I wanted to stay so badly. -He took a sharp breath- So there it was, my dilemma. I couldn’t stay, but you wouldn’t come with me, so I had to leave you behind.”

“Sammy, I understand why you wanted to see something new. You never hunted for yourself, you always hunted for Dad and that couldn’t work forever. It’s not that I didn’t see it coming. I mean, you two were at each other’s throat constantly, it wasn’t pretty, but I always thought that you would tell me before you leave. I’m not mad at you for coming here, because you sure as hell deserve it. I’m mad at you, because you never said a word to me about this, not one. You put me in the same position as Dad and that was just messed up.” “I know…I know. I had so many possible scenarios in my head how I would leave and trust me when I tell you that not telling you beforehand was never one of them. I tried to tell you so many times, but… I thought you would never understand that I wasn’t leaving _you_ , that I wasn’t leaving _us_. Leaving was something I had to do for myself, but that never meant that I wanted to stop seeing you. I just didn’t know how to explain that to you, how to make you understand that even if I was leaving I didn’t want to give up what we had”, Sam tried to explain in a pleading tone, hoping that Dean would understand how much it had hurt him too to leave.

“So instead you just said nothing? For the first few weeks everything I did, besides hunting and drinking my brains out, was asking myself this one simple question: Why? And when you called for the first time I just couldn’t answer, because I thought now he is going to tell me. Now he is going to say that he hated what we have been doing the past year, that he just went along with it because he wanted to make me happy, that the thought of _us_ repulsed him so much that the only way out of it was to leave and never come back. But then I listened to your message and it never came. You didn’t sound like you were doing good, but you didn’t tell me why. You didn’t tell me if you regretted leaving, if you wanted to see me, if you missed me at all. All that came out of your mouth was: Stanford is great, the people are nice and you’re doing good there. I knew that some of what you said wasn’t true, but I just couldn’t call you back at the time. As I already said, I didn’t want to be the only one holding on to _us_ and I was sure that I would sound like I did, when I would talk to you.” Dean sighed and Sam began to toy with Dean’s amulet once more.

Even if there was a lot of old pain and regret and guilt in the words, the conversation was quiet, gentle even. They never stopped holding on to each other as they talked, making it obvious that this wasn’t about hurting each other or making accusations. They were far past that. This whole conversation was about closure: Understanding each others thoughts and actions and then finally letting go of all the past hurt. “God, I was such an Idiot”, Sam said softly. “I tried and tried to find a way out of this without hurting you and I ended up hurting you worse than I had to. Stanford wasn’t ‘great’ the first few weeks. I just said that to not sound like a total failure. I made friends even in the first couple of days but I was still terribly lonely. I missed you so bad sometimes that I couldn’t focus on anything else and I never cried as much as during these first weeks. You weren’t the only one holding on to _us_ , trust me. But when the damage was done and I left, you never answered my calls and with each time the intention of telling you the truth lessened. I thought you just didn’t want to hear it anymore, that everything I would tell you was just too little too late. But just so you know, there was never a second, in which I regretted starting what we had, there was never a second I didn’t miss you or miss being with you, and there was never a second in the past year, in which I didn’t love you, Dean.” Dean hugged him tighter.

“Yes, you were an Idiot, Sam, because you never considered that telling me the truth would be the best option. Of course I still wouldn’t have been happy about you leaving, but I would have known that it wasn’t about me. If you just would have told me any of this in your messages, I would have dropped everything and drove straight to you, you must know that! I missed you terribly, of course I did, but you never said anything and I wasn’t going to be the first to say it, not when you were the one who left. Of course it was too late, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it. I still wanted to hear it after one year and yes, I was pissed at you, but see where we are now? It would have happened exactly like this every time. At first I would have yelled at you, considered to rip you a new one and then I would have drove here as fast as I possibly could and we would have landed here, in bed together, every time. I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty or whatever, but I need you to understand that you probably can’t screw up so badly that I wouldn’t still want you. I want you, I want this and I want to leave everything else behind us. The question is, can you do that, Sammy? Can you just let go of everything that happened, including me sleeping with various people this past year?”

“If I had known that you still wanted me, I would have said something a lot sooner. We wasted a whole year on this. -He sighed-  I know you don’t want to make me feel guilty and I love you for that, but I **do** feel guilty. Not because I went away to College, but because I hurt you with it. You’re right though, one year of being apart is more than enough. I’m tired of missing you. Yes, I’m absolutely positive on being able to let it all go. This is the last time I’m going to say this: I’m so sorry, Dean. I was a coward and I didn’t treat you right. This will stop though. From this moment on, I promise you that I will **never** hurt you like this again. I can’t promise you that I won’t screw up again, because we both know that’s just impossible, but from now on I’ll try to be the best version of myself for you. Whatever you did last year doesn’t matter anymore, Dean. I don’t want to wonder about it, so I’m just letting it go. There is nothing you have to apologize or feel guilty for. You were always honest to me and I’ll try to live up to that. There is one thing I have to ask of you though…I’m in this for good, Dean. As you said: No going back. But if you’re unsure if you’ll ever resent me for what I did or won’t want to be with me anymore, then please don’t take me back”, Sam spoke with a sincere, quiet voice.

“Sammy”, Dean sighed exasperated. “Didn’t you hear anything I said? There is no other option here than for good. I won’t settle for less, not this time. I love you, Sammy, apparently beyond everything that is normal or sane, so this is it for me. If it doesn’t work out with you, it won’t work out with anybody else, because I wouldn’t want it to. I don’t know if it’s naïve to think we can just let everything go that happened, but we just have to try to not let it come between us again. I’m so proud of you that you made it here all by yourself. I think I never told you that. There is no decision to make anymore. It isn’t College or me anymore. We’ll make it work, I promised you that. This last year was just the test run and we both realized that being apart doesn’t work for us, so we have this second chance now and this time none of us will screw it up. I’m letting go too, Sam. I was mad at you for long enough now. I understand why you needed to go and I forgive you for not telling me. All this is in the past and it’s best if we leave it there. This is our second try, Sammy and I want you to study law and become a terribly boring lawyer or judge or whatever, if it makes you happy. I’ll do my thing and you’ll do yours and I’ll come here as often as I possibly can. It’s not perfect, but…”

“It **is** perfect”, Sam said with tears in his eyes as he lifted his head to look at Dean. “You really want me to stay here? You’re okay with that?” Dean rolled his eyes and nodded furiously. “No going back?”, Sam asked. “No going back”, Dean answered and Sam smiled warmly. “I love you, Dean”, he whispered. “Love you too, you sap”, Dean answered gruffly. “Jerk”, Sam suddenly blurted out. “Bitch”, Dean immediately answered and they both started to chuckle like little children. “So, Sammy…”, Dean said languidly, when they both stopped laughing. “Hmm?”, Sam answered, now again with his head on Deans chest. “You had dreams of me sucking you off on my baby?” Sam cursed himself inwardly for letting that slip out. Dean would **never** let him live this down. “Hmm”, he just hummed vaguely. “Well you can forget that. I’m not going to risk that your butt ruins the paint.” Sam chuckled silently. That was definitively not what he had expected. “I might suck you off on the seats though, if that works for you”, he thought out loud. Sam chocked on his tongue. “Just have to watch out for stains.” Sam lifted his head, looked at Dean with happiness pouring out of his eyes and just kissed the ever living hell out of the startled man.

“I love you, you know that?”, Sam asked completely out of breath, when they finally parted. Dean chuckled. “I guess I do now. Who knew that my baby is such a turn on for you. Any other kinks I don’t know about?”, Dean asked with a broad grin on his face that lit up his eyes and made their edges crinkle. Sam smiled fondly at him. “Seems like you’ll have a lot of time to figure them out”, he said quietly. Dean understood. “Lucky me”, he replied and Sam kissed him softly. There was a lot of old anger and pain and regret flowing out of them in that exact moment and even if there of course was no guarantee that they would make it work, they both believed it with their whole hearts. This time it was for good. This time there was no going back.

_The End_


End file.
